Tastefully Renovated Garage
6001 4th St.
If you’re good with living in the back yard of a shirtless man named Rex who barbecues three hundred and sixty-five days per year and went nocturnal in 2009 and never looked back, this listing could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Rex says that this one-bedroom, four-hundred-square-foot box used to be a garage, but I’ve never seen a garage with a glass floor before, so I have no idea what that’s about. Brand new appliances and no door to speak of.
312 Dung Street
Situated on the fetid side of a double lot, this heap of black banana peels, unused hot-sauce packets, and wet socks has loads of character, and it’s just begging for someone to dig a little tunnel through the middle of it for a home conversion. This lot is zoned for a four-bedroom residence that has to be five stories high and super narrow, for some reason. If you go to the city-planning department and ask why it can’t just be a normal house, the floating wraith tasked with assisting you will open a big dusty book, point to an inscrutable line written in a long-dead tongue, and say, “City code,” before cackling and disappearing into mist.
28 Quarry St., No. 3
Twenty by twenty feet and getting slightly wider and deeper with every thunderstorm, this big sloppy hole is technically zoned as industrial, but we’ve figured out a way to make it home-adjacent. It’s not insulated, but on the plus side it’s super small and contains no human building materials, so there’s not much to do, upkeep-wise. Worth noting that it’s a duplex, so you’ll be sharing it with another family that is required to have twelve pets.
Offers: Accepting backup offers
1 Zoo St.
On the one hand, you’ll be sharing a pen with a male silverback gorilla named Marlow with a history of aggression. On the other hand, it’s three thousand square feet, costs less than the median home, and the nearby schools are excellent if you can figure out a way to tiptoe past Marlow early in the morning (when he’s angriest). It also comes with the opportunity to educate visitors about our primate relatives through the accidental provocation of alpha behavior. If you’ve tried and tried to adopt an exercise routine but it’s never stuck, this is a great opportunity because you will spend most days running and climbing.
Offers: 4, all of which include a female gorilla to keep the big guy distracted
*Please do not visit without an appointment.
Half-Renovated, Sinking Rectangle
43 Birch St.
The two morons who lived here last added a random bathroom somewhere a bathroom doesn’t belong in a desperate bid to increase the sale price of whatever this thing is, but they never finished, so you’re going to have to figure that out. There’s a bunch of sawdust all over the place, and every wall has a piece of IKEA furniture nailed to it. Whether any of the LOMMARP bookcases are load-bearing is unclear, but, if it sounds exciting to you to find out, go for it.
Offers: 25, all of which are over asking price; 1 offer to strip down, get on all fours, and eat whatever you put in front of us
My Grandpa’s Basement
My grandpa isn’t taking the stairs anymore, so it’s probably fine if you move into his basement. No idea what’s down there or if anything works, in terms of electricity or water, but as I recall the neighbors aren’t home all that much, so you can probably run a hose from their spigot or whatever. If, for any reason, my grandpa sees you, just pretend you’re a ghost and do some old-timey dance (please call 911 if that goes south).
Offers: 3 that have waived the right to inspection; 1, to be your new grandpa if the old man croaks
Nice House Currently on Fire
A four-bedroom, three-bathroom mid-century modern masterpiece less than ten feet from a five-thousand-acre park that’s currently smoldering. Things seemed to be improving for a bit, but in the course of writing this description the wind picked up, and the kitchen is currently engulfed in a firestorm. Magnificent, hilltop view of homes that are not on fire at the moment but may soon be. Who the hell knows anything anymore?
Saves: 188 saves
Offers: 20 that include organ donation
The Place You’re Already Renting
Considering the fact that not a single thing in here was purchased after 1996, and that even the things that work are actually broken if you don’t know how to jiggle them correctly, you thought that $300,000 was the most any reasonable person would ask. But no, it’s going for $500,000 and will be sold to an Airbnb developer who’s going to rent it to completely normal people who nonetheless will manage to ruin this entire neighborhood.
*Already been sold and flipped. ♦